My apprehension about the coming days and week was most clearly manifested through my driving. Although I am not (at least not anymore) a wannabe boy racer I do like to make what is described in the Highway Code as good progress. Today however this is not the case. I had managed to put the impending source of my anxiety out of my mind over the course of the last few weeks, packing the car and beginning the relatively short journey to school this morning however left me with nowhere else to hide from myself.
Normally the first day of a new school experience, particularly this the final of my career as a trainee, would have been the source of only mild nerves and certain sense of excitement. It is however with a feeling bordering on physical nausea that I guide my car as slowly as possible through the gates of the school and locate a parking space suitably tucked in and out of the way. As if by somehow concealing my car, which is itself no easy task, I am able to conceal myself.
The feeling of dread doesn’t come from being a particularly nervous person, but more from the overwhelming feeling that I am not up to job. That at any moment everyone will work out, despite 4 years at university and a great deal of experience, I actually don’t know the first thing about teaching! This feeling which is not that uncommon in any profession but is particularly true in teaching is compounded by one bad experience. Amazing how expereince can so significantly undermine your confidence.
